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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in joshua's LiveJournal:

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Friday, January 2nd, 2004
7:55 am
i'm out...

it's been an unpleasant ride to say the most. livejournal is the devil. nothing new has happened to piss me off, but i realize that i have no desire to write here anymore. i hope that you all find all the hopes and dreams you are looking for...for the most part. a guy can hold onto a little of his bitterness, can't he?
anyhoo, good luck to most of you in the new year...i hope most of you find what you're looking for, and the rest of you, i really couldn't possibly care less.

Current Mood: predatory
Thursday, December 25th, 2003
3:05 pm
la da da da da da da da da
it's christmas morning, and i am spending it with ashley and her parents, brother, and grandfather. i am very lucky to have all of them in my life. they are very accepting of me. i miss my family, but i am loving being with my new family.

things are tense at the house, but it is nice to forget about them for a day.

merry christmas, happy hanukah, have a rockin' quanza, and whatever else is relevent.

keep of rockin'


Current Mood: chipper
Tuesday, December 9th, 2003
12:30 pm
at least this is the last week of the semester. i have a test in about half an hour, a speech to give tomorrow morning, an ethics test thursday, and a math final on friday.

God, if you help me through my math test, i promise to never touch myself ever again...well, that's kinda bullshit. i promise to never think of guys when i touch myself, ever again.

Current Mood: hopeful
12:27 pm
i am bored
"If i were a rich man.
la da dee da dee da da dee dee da da dum.
if i were a biddy biddy rich, digga diga digga digga man..
i wouldn't have to work hard....."

Current Mood: drained
Wednesday, December 3rd, 2003
8:29 pm
He's the one I call Dr. Feelgood...
i love therapy. everyone should just run out and get themselves a shrink. it's an hour long unloading session. it's not trite, nothing is in therapy. there's no point in lying, unless your a fucking moron. you tell the guy/gal the truth, and they're there to help you. even if you don't get the answers you're looking for, you feel a fuck-load better after getting everything off your chest. the therapist isn't there to judge you...unless they're an asshole. a good therapist would never judge you.

and if you're good they give you free pills...

Current Mood: thankful
Tuesday, December 2nd, 2003
7:09 pm
i invented the safety dance.
the last thing i would ever want to do is hurt someone. it is even more painful when the hurt ensued is indirectly casted upon them. i, most definitely, am not perfect. a perfect person would be able to find a way to not hurt anyone. there has to be a way....yep, definitely not perfect.

i hate not having anything to say. it makes me feel like i have nothing to think about...which is bullshit. i hate, even more, having so much to say, but being afraid to write it within livejournal, because as we all know, nothing is sacred in here. people read in our journals and make the ridiculous assumption that we want to talk about what's in here...guess what? that's why we write in here. at least me. i write in here for me, not for an audience. sure, i love to have feedback on what i wrote, but i only wish people could see what is obviously okay to chit-chat about and what should be left alone...because as much as some of us say nothing in here will affect them upon reading what lies within, we all know that's fucking bullshit...myself included. i have so fucking much to say, yet i feel i cannot say it without hurting someone. fuck. i feel like i am going to fucking explode...well, not really. i have kept shit in al my life. a few more decades won't hurt me. as long as no one gets hurt.
i love my new tattoo. i think it looks really neat. i love my stupid ability to change subjects from meaningful to trite as michael j. fox. i feel like suck a bitch.

Current Mood: frustrated
Monday, December 1st, 2003
2:57 pm
"why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near..."
it feels kind of weird, being engaged...
not weird in a bad way, just different in a good way. ash's parents seem stoked, and so does my family. ash's brother seem excited as well. friends and family are happy, at least it seems that way. we aren't going to set a date yet...we both have a fuck-ton of school left. ash is done in two years, and then i'll start law school and teach at D. U. who ever would have thought me and law school in the same sentence?
karrah is moving out. she and ash just weren't meant to live together. sucks, but doesn't...eh?
someone stole a christmas present for me that ash bought. it was the motley crue box set. no one will comfess. three roommates weren't even there, and itrust them all. it had to be a friend of their's. yet no one gives a shit. gotta love human nature, right? fuckin' asshole motherfuckers.
scottie paid for me to get some ink the morning of the day i left. i got the law logo with the old school scales on it, and "justitia"and "omnibus" written above and below it. it is on the back of my forearm, and it is fucking huge...iy takes up half of my arm. AWESOME!! thanks scottie.

take it easy, keep on rockin'.

Current Mood: high
Sunday, November 30th, 2003
3:17 pm
i'm engaged!
Tuesday, November 18th, 2003
7:19 pm
i can't remeber if i already stole this...
Ten bands/artists you couldn't live without:
[1] alkaline trio
[2] the shins
[3] the clash
[4] smoking popes
[5] the lawrence arms
[6] b.b. king
[7] the descendents
[8] the pogues
[9] jawbreaker
[10]stiff little fingers

Nine albums that are important to you:
[1] broken star/the broadways
[2] the light at the end of the tunnel/the damned
[3] maybe i'll catch fire/alkaline trio
[4] somery/the descendents
[5] essential clash
[6] essential pogues
[7] that much further west/lucero
[8] standing on a beach/the cure
[9] born to lose/smoking popes

Eight movies you'd watch over and over:
[1] my best friends wedding
[2] boondock saints
[3] pee wee's big adventure
[4] the big lebowski
[5] silverado
[6] the changling
[7] still crazy
[8] ghost shell

Seven things that annoy you:
[1] dishonesty
[2] girls basketball practice running late
[3] girls that say "like" after every word
[4] jobs
[5] raking
[6] poverty
[7] pretending to give a shit

Five TV shows you watch regularly:
[1] queer eye for the straight guy
[2] law & order
[3] Forensic Files
[4] csi
[5] cold case files

Three albums you've bought recently:
[1] the shins/a chute to narrow
[2] essential otis redding
[3] misfits/collection II

Two Artists you would like to do the NASTY with:
[1] they're
[2] dirty

One Band [or Artist] whos music has would be described as writing the soundtrack of your life
[1] the smoking popes

6:55 pm
new kicks, hot lixx, and editorial tricks...
my new shoes came in today. ash bought me the duane peters vision streetwear hightops...they are red and black and pretty and skully and i am excited. i like them a whole lot.
i may have k post a picture of them, as they are so damned rockin'.
i felt really high today, and no, i wasn't at all partaking of the 'wake & bake' scene. i just felt a bit out of it. my classmates noticed as well. so it goes...
i don't want to be at work tonight. i don't want to be at work at all lately. i feel totally burnt out. i am looking forward to thanksgiving break, when i can just...be. i will have a bit of homework to do, but at least i'll have fice consecutive days off of work and school. in less than a month, fall semester will be over. i just hope the weather holds until after the break. i plan to get high, hit the road, hang out at the metro coffee house until my mother gets off work, and then let the relaxation and pampering begin. i am so fucking excited. this week is taking for fucking ever though. and every goddamn night there is something going on at dunn. i can't wait until this place is nothing more than a memory and the occasional segway to the 'times we have ahead' talks. this place isn't so bad, but i am sick of cleaning up after 400+ kids and 20-30 administrators every night. the only people i look forward to hanging with are my two 7 year old friends, darby and rhone. they are the sweetest little girls in the world. i will have to post pictures of us all sometime...if i can ever figure out how to do that.
i just want to feel like a grown up. the only way i feel like that now is by being bitter and desensitized...and i'm only 24, with the quarter of a century mark rapidly approaching.

i wonder if that steam pipe overhead can take my weight?

Current Mood: pessimistic
Monday, November 17th, 2003
3:07 pm
"there's a hope in my head that's been cut and bled, dry as your bloodshot eyes."
i am feeling a bit disconnected today. the wind doesn't help. it makes me feel like i am back living in casper. eeewww... i am so excited to go home next week for thanksgiving break. i haven't been home in so fucking long. hanging with my cousin, janel, and my uncle randy is so much fun. all we do is talk shit...but in the witty, dark humor kinda way. i hear that my family is pretty excited about me going to law school, but they still are going to give me shit...guaranteed.
i need a break. it doesn't seem like i am studying enough, yet it is all that i do anymore. saturday was the first time i went to a party in a fucking cooz' age. it was a pink & black party at this guy, manuel's, house. i wore my black suit and a pink shirt, fashionably untucked and tieless...ashley wore a black skirt and a new pink sweater. we looked pretty cool. the party was for the interior design department goers of csu, and a few miscellaneous other people showed up...including an old friend from casper, tate. the climax of the night came when tate did what he always does, frightens the hell out of people that don't know him with a witty, disgusting comment. it went a little something like this, "i am gonna grab on to that girl's ass and stick my tongue so far up her puckered starfish and carve my initials on tomorrow's turd." genious, sheer genious.
a new low, even for tate...but it should always be expected.

it was good to see people again, even if i didn't know them or they downright disgusted me. it's only going to get worse, but next semester is gonna be pretty great, i think. a little less stressful.
this journal is one of the only facets i utilize for communication, so if you have something to say, no matter how trivial, say it...it's nice to get to interact.

keep on rockin'

Current Mood: busy
Friday, November 14th, 2003
6:58 pm
Last cigarette;
few minutes ago...

Last kiss;
before i left for work...

Last cry;
few months ago...

Last library book checked out;
i haven't checked any out lately, but i am reading "please kill me" by legs mcneil.

Last movie seen;
kill bill.

Last book read;
"the ice opinion" by ice t, or was it "if chins could kill" by bruce cambell...either way, you got a winner.

Last cuss word uttered;
who keeps track of that shit? oh, i guess "shit", now.

Last beverage drank;

Last food consumed;
a balboa sandwich at the pickle barrell.

Last phone call;
to ashley at home, because i am bored at work.

Last TV show watched;
forensic files last night before bed.

Last time showered;
9 a.m. this morning.

Last shoes worn;
all black converse all stars, motherfuckers!

Last CD played;
the shins, chutes too narrow.

Last item bought;
a misfits full torso skeleton shirt online, and when that bitch comes in...havok will ensue.

Last soda drank;
mr. pibb at lunch today.

Last thing written;
bio for a hip hop group in town trying to get started. it's more ltj bukem than anything though, which isn't so bad.

Last key used;
car key, or the delete key.

Last word spoken;

Last sleep;
kinda slept last night.

Last im;
i don't go for that uber geek shit. dorks.

Last sexual fantasy;
what time is it? i'm a guy, they happen all day long.

Last ice cream eaten;
a push up pop yesterday stolen from a grade school classroom...nuge.

Last time wanting to die;
i'm a manic depressive, we want to die all the fucking time.

Last lipstick;
wouldn't you like to know.

Last time dancing;
i got really high a few days ago, and it seemed like i danced all night at work.

Last show attended;
the shins at the gothic in d-town.
Thursday, November 13th, 2003
11:56 am
i just want to rock...i mean, sleep...NO!! I WANNA ROCK!! then sleep like a motherfucker.
ashley, kim and myself went to see the shins last night in d-town. needless to say, they were fucking amazing. they are one of those bands that are so much better live than on cd. the opening bands were dressy bessy and broadcast oblivion, (which the bass/guitar player for the shins was the singer for.) broadcast was okay, but bessy was fucking cool. it was a good time.
i ate lamb shanks for the first time at a place called jerusalem, and it grossed ashley out how much kim and i liked it. of course we fucked with her a bit...it was our immoral obligation.
we made it home just in time to drop kim off at the surfside for last call, and then ash and i went home to crash. i couldn't fall asleep, but it wasn't so bad. it felt nice just to lay in bed with her. the cold made it so that together under the covers, it felt perfect...or "dreamy" if you will. it was like a daydream, even though it was 2 a.m..
the semester is almost over, thank God. it has been a tough one. for some reason school has started to seem easy, but my math class is really challenging me. i don't think, in fact i know, that i haven't given it my best...which always makes me wonder. if i did give itmy best, what could i accomplish? hmm...quite the quandry. i want to go to law school, which doesn't allow much room for slacking off. the way i figure, i'll need a full time job...8 hour days, then ful time school, another 8 hours, and full time studying...so that literally takes up my entire day and night. who needs sleep anyway? all right, all right...i do. i am such a tired bastard these days. i am really looking forward to thanksgiving break. no fort collins, family, and old friends. should be a good time to relax.

Current Mood: lethargic
Tuesday, November 11th, 2003
7:22 pm
1.What is the first person you ever slept with's middle name?
i think it is diane...which is weird because it is also the middle name of my current girlfriend...but i'm probably wrong...about the first girl...

2. What kind of underwear are you wearing and what color?
vomit colored, with a fuck-ton of holes.

3. What is the song you want played at your Funeral?
"in your wake" by the trio...ooh ooh, and "stayin' alive."

4. What is the phone number of your sluttiest friend so some of the single people can get some action?
hmmm....do i want to give out my roommate's number...she's a whore...tee-hee.

5. What Would Your Last Meal be before getting executed?
the head's of the people i've slain...and sushi.

6. Beatles or Stones?
eck...fuckin' neither...

7. If you had to pick one person on earth who should die, who would it be?
the rest of the beatles....and the eagles need to go to.

8. The person whose problems you would never want to hear?
my own.

9. What is the thing most important to you about the preferred sex?
compassion and honesty.

10. Do you secretly hate some of your friendsters but are too nice to reject them?
nope, they know i hate them.

11. If you could have any super power what would it be?
crazy intelligence...i mean crazy, like uber genious.

12. Favourite hangover cure?

13. How many drinks does it take to get you drunk?
they called me chief two beers in high school, but now, five jack & cokes.

14. Favourite Outkast Lyric?
anything with the word, "biatch" in it.

15. Hair color you most like someone you're dating to have?
my girlfriend's.

16. If you had to be blind or deaf?
both...it would nice to actually be retarded and have a reason.

17. Do you have any psychiatric problems?
i see a therapist twice a month and i am currently on five different medications through him...you do the math.

18. Siblings that should go to rehab?
he got married last august, now he is her problem...kidding, i love my brother to no end.

19. Least favourite month?
i'll have to agree with k, february.

20. Favourite hateful thing to do to someone?
giving a male that asks for headache medicine viagara, they stop liking you after that one.

21. First movie you can remember seeing as a kid?
blazing saddles at age three with my dad.

22. Favourite person in the whole world?
too hard to say...

23. When's the last time you went on a date?
ash and i go out every so often, it's hard to go out with all that fucking homework.

24. Do you like violent movies or dirty movies?
how about dirty/violent movies?

25. Fall or spring?

26. Person you most wish you hadn't made out with?
too many to choose...oops, i bet my girlfriend reads this.

27. If you are straight, what person of the same sex would you do it with?
skiba, all the way...did that sound too passionate? i have big balls. i am a man's man...oops that sounded gay. fuck you guys. maybe billy idol, circa 1985.

28. Where do you want to live when you are old and brittle?
where ever social security can reach me at age forty.

29. Who is the person you can count on most?
mom, brother, nation, karrah, and of course, ashley.

30. If you could date any celebrity past or present, time and age are not factors?
i don't wish to date any more celebrities...it sucked ass.

31. What books have you pretended you've read?
none...i love to read.

32. What's a word you would use to describe your life?

33. What's your favourite drinking game?
doing a shot every time acdc says "thunder" during the song "thunderstruck."

34. What did you dream last night?
i dreamt of being confident and amounting to something in this life. i dreamt of making my loved ones proud.

35. Favourite vices?
marijuana...and just being hella cool...that's right, i said "hella."

36. What is the last thing you'd ever tell someone?
eat shit karrah...i'm sorry i assfucked your rhinocerous, but he asked me to after i sucked him off.

Current Mood: working
3:20 pm
I am going to be a motherfucker, even more so than now...
i have been pondering as to what to do with my life, and i may have a solution. it turns out that i am really really close to having my bachelor's degree in philosophy. now, i know what your thinking, "what the fuck can you do with a philosophy?" i know, i know, i've thought that very thing. well, it turns out that i may be going to D.U.law school. how fucking cool would that be? it would be approximatly a two year program, and i could also get my PHD. awesome...

so in a few years i may be reverend joshua evan crabb phd esquire the first. awesome...

Current Mood: amused
Thursday, November 6th, 2003
4:41 pm
fuck, fuck, fuCK....FUCK!!!!

Current Mood: confused
Wednesday, November 5th, 2003
6:54 pm
"The night Laura's daddy died.....sha-na-na-nA-NA-NA-NA!!!
Brother, what a night it really was...
Mother what a night---
Angina's tough."
Monday, November 3rd, 2003
3:17 pm
there is a "me" in team.....
i took another whore of a math test today, luckily a smart fellow was sitting next to me and willing to toss a bone my way on a problem that had been skull-fucking me for the better part of an hour. what a nice guy...

looks like i'm sleeping on the couch tonight. i guess my continuance of smoking has made me a nocternal cougher, which has been keeping ash up at nights. i just don't feel like quitting again just yet. at least we cleaned up the office room yesterday, so's i have a place to sleep. i am laughing a bit of the notion of sleeping in separate rooms like we've been married for fifty years, and hated eachother for forty-nine. the girl needs some rest, and unfortunatly i can't be there to watch her fall asleep or look over her after i wake up, anymore. i honestly don't know what is up. it just seems like there is one thing after another that is part of me that requires changing. i know i need to quit smoking, but i will do it when i am ready. i've tried to better myself, and i just feel like i am failing, even when i am my only motivation. it doesn't feel like there is an "I" anymore.

Current Mood: confused
Friday, October 31st, 2003
3:33 pm
cleaning chalk boards can be a zen like experience, if you're high enough...

Current Mood: amused
3:07 pm
i want to visit strongbadia....

still working with no kiddies, and yes, i am bored...

ellis just took me to lucky joe's so he could try guiness stew, and he fucking loved it. he bought lunch after i already had pizza with ash. i am full for the first time in a long fucking time.

i hope all my friends are doing well. i hope my family is doing well. i am doing well. i am a wee bit stoned. just a "wee", though. wee...what a silly word. it makes me...kinda wanna...

i need to go to the bathroom now....



Current Mood: satisfied
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